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This original column is provided free for one-time use with author credit at the end. It may be used for background with author credit. Copyright applies.

#168 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: January 27, 2011

We are about to do big things, if you only knew
By Curtis Seltzer

BLUE GRASS, Va.—Joe the Plumber now works at the White House as part of the Administration’s stimulus program for unemployed motivational speakers.

Joe is in charge of springing leaks, though he still lacks a license. He’s a Tea-Party guy who doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s working for Obama, including Obama.

Joe gave me a copy of the real State of the Union address, which the President delivered to his bathroom mirror once he got home from the Capitol on Tuesday night.

While hiding in a sink trap, Joe taped the speech and smuggled it to me inside a can of Drano.

Ladies, Gentlemen and everyone else:

At the mid-point of my term, it’s time to talk straight to the American people.

First, I need to say that I have seen The Light…and it’s at least 40 watts.

Here goes. Both Republicans and the Tea Party are too mild for my Afro-Indonesian political palate. We need to move further, faster.

I am, therefore, leaving all existing parties, rejecting all ideological labels and cutting all ties that bind, including those stupid things I wear around my neck.

My first act as leader of the new No Party is to nominate Sarah Palin as my Secretary of Repeal.

Her job will be to kill every agency, dismantle every program, fire every bureaucrat and break every promise that the federal government has ever made to anyone, foreign and domestic. No more socialism for the rich and voyeurism for the poor.

I told Sarah to reinvent government by treating it as if it were a trophy moose and she was hungry and hunting it with nuclear missiles. Her reply was what I have come to expect: “You betcha, Big O, baby. I’m locked and loaded. By the way I expect to be paid in gold nuggets, not U.S. currency.”

Once Sarah has finished here, I will arrange to have her proclaimed Empress of the Muddle Kingdom. She can get rid of that government too and finish off any giant pandas that threaten grizzly cubs in Alaska.

And, finally, I will give her to Osama bin Laden for his fifth wife. That’ll fix him better than any assassination the CIA can pull off.

Now for the nuts and bolts of the No Party’s economic program.

I will never spend or borrow another nickel for the rest of my term. I call this zero-based governing.

Not only will Uncle Sugar stop spending and borrowing, but we will stop paying too. We will default immediately on all debts—past, current and future.

To those we owe money, I say two words: “Sue us!” (There will be no federal courts in which to hear these cases. Ha Ha.)

To those who foolishly bought our notes, I say, “Forgive and forget.” Suckas!

Through executive order, I will eliminate all federal taxes on everything. American dollars will stay in American pockets (even though all of our pockets are sewn in China).

And once we free ourselves of dependency on tax revenue, we will stop paying for entitlements, benefits, programs, subsidies, projects, defense, wars, highways, research and intelligence. The pork stops here. We have appropriated our last dollar for waste, fraud and abuse—those belts will have to be tightened just like all the others.

If the Republic of Nauru, whose now-long-gone wealth came from the droppings of seabirds, can get by without any taxes, so can we.

We will be the leader of the tax-free world.

Now there will be some who say, you can’t run a nation of 310 million without some federal money, without some federal government. Phooey, I say, on slugs like these who belittle hope and fear change.

So how will this agenda benefit Americans, not just those who are bringing in more than $250,000 a year?

Easy. I intend to make the United States the only tax haven in the world.

Once we eliminate taxation, every U.S. corporation with a letterhead, tax-dodge subsidiary in the Cayman Islands will come home.

We will then open our arms to immigrant corporations from foreign lands—the wretched refuse of their teeming shores, those huddled masses yearning to breathe free of government definitions of taxable income.

Once we unbuild it, they will come for one simple reason: It will be cheaper to avoid taxes here legally than cheat on taxes everywhere else.

This is called, out-competing the world. To the Chinese I say: We will bury you.

Once the hot money comes home, it will cool off and then be put to productive, profitable use in tax-free America. This, folks, is investment, not spending.

I see pollution-free smoke rising from cold chimneys that no longer exist in Pittsburgh and Birmingham. With so much pretend smoke, we won’t even need mirrors, which is another reason to manufacture them at home.

We will have construction workers building shell corporations. We will start manufacturing stuff again—like vaults, safes and burglary tools. For every adding machine we manufacture, we will make two subtracting machines. We will fabricate laundry equipment for all currencies. Jobs for lawyers, accountants and pole dancers will skyrocket.

And let’s not forget my social agenda.

Instead of requiring Americans to buy health insurance, I will demand that Congress enact legislation that requires all Americans -- including the unborn and those here illegally -- to carry a handgun, crossbow or Old Testament slingshot. Each individual may select his or her weapon; I am pro-choice.

It’s time to stop coddling criminals. Anyone accused of any misdemeanor will be summarily executed. Those who have been convicted of a crime in a fair and impartial trial will be executed twice. Those who have been killed twice and have appealed will be executed three times over as part of the appeal process.

Since I will no longer collect a federal salary, Michelle and I will be moving with the girls to a one-bedroom car that I will park next to the Washington Monument. We will not take the White House compost heap with us.

To pay our bills, I will get a part-time job hustling pick-up basketball and signing Glenn Beck autographs, because he often mistakes himself for me.

Remember, my fellow Americans. This is our generation’s Sputnik moment—the time when -- for the next 30 years -- we can watch another dictatorship slowly disintegrate from its own internal contradictions and treating its people like dirt.

America, on the other hand, is back in town. We are marching in every direction while standing at attention, shoulder to shoulder, side by side, face to face and tail to trunk.

The state of our union is as sound as a dollar…well, it might even be a little sounder.

The state of our union is as sound as our discussion among ourselves.

And to the cheesy voters of Wisconsin who are key to my reelection, I say this: Go Steelers!

Curtis Seltzer is a land consultant who works with buyers and helps sellers with marketing plans. He is author of How To Be a DIRT-SMART Buyer of Country Property at where his weekly columns are posted. He also writes for

Contact: Curtis Seltzer, Ph.D.
Land Consultant
1467 Wimer Mountain Road
Blue Grass, VA 24413-2307

This original column is provided free for one-time use with author credit at the end. It may be used for background with author credit. Copyright applies.

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